Fuck Life

I feel trapped and horrible. It makes me so goddamn angry I think I want to punch things until I am free. I don’t want to feel trapped I don’t want to have to pay bills and be stuck in this goddamned stupid job where I have to stay in one place. I have no idea what I am supposed to do. I want to write I need time to write but so many other things need attention and I need to go to work and I need to shower before work and it just makes me angry and trapped and dirty and stiff and useless. I think that I can. I think that it will be alright. but I am no closer to a better job. I am not closer to the better life. I am no closer to being free enough to experience things.
People have told me to do things my whole life. the worst things have no instructions. I was supposed to wash someone’s car. I didn’t know how. No one told me. Wash the car has no meaning to me. They told me to go to college and write to them about my bright future. I made something up and sent it to a college someone told me about. I didn’t know about other colleges. People would list them to me and they were empty words. I guess I went to college. I cannot tell you how. I cannot tell you how much I lied with my tongue pressed tight against my teeth. Did I ever claim to know what I was doing? Was I even aware then?
Someone tells me to go back to college. How? Get a better job? WHere? How? What am I supposed to be doing? People cannot enjoy this. I don’t impregnate anyone as a teenager. I didn’t accrue an enormous debt from college. I haven’t gotten into any traffic accidents or droped any pills. I don’t abuse alcohol or drugs. I’m supposed to have a clear head. Why don’t I see anything? the things that I am supposed to do have given me no advantage and I have no idea what is going on. but I continue to do things. I just fucking do them. WHy? Where am I going? Why am I saving money? Why do I need to pick up another shift? What advantage is there to getting to things on time. they still are in a hurry. I cannot make things easier. I have decided not to be ignorant and follow around but now that I ask there are no answers. Why did I think there would be answers? I still have time to get ready for work. Shame.

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6 thoughts on “Fuck Life

      • Take up boxing as hobby – punch things, you need to abuse something; Get a job that allows you to move around, or just move around for a year or two; dont find time to write, just write, scribbles on paper/notepads, your mind..writing comes when it does, don’t force it or yourself.. but check this out mate; this ‘fuck life’ peace is a great bit of writing. All that anger: start building a character modelled on yourself…surrogates. Fiction is after all reality with a different twist on the gin+tonic! I dare you, write a short story, 1000wrds…by next Tuesday.

  1. Oh hai 🙂

    I know this doesn’t encompass all of your frustrations, and furthermore, I know this isn’t a perfect solution to your problems, but I feel like a good first step would be finding a different job. I’ve been nudging you with the suggestion here and there, wondering if you would think about it. I know that you hate your job, but what I don’t understand is why you’ve continued to work it for so long despite your distaste for it. I don’t say that as a slam or an insult- from the outside, it appears commendable. You aren’t doing your mental stability any favors by keeping the job, though. Getting a career in writing is going to take time. Coming from someone who has tried to get into writing as a career before, writing jobs are hard to come by and hard to sustain once you have them. Find something low-stress, something you know you can handle to pay the bills, and then, to the best of your ability, pursue your dreams.

    Or don’t. Either way, I believe in you.

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