Mary Sue and Stupid

Mary Sue and Mr. Ansome found themselves in a room together.

“I was hoping they had raised the standards in this restaurant.” Mary said cocking her head.

“This is Chuck-E-Cheese. I brought my son.” Mr. Ansome said.

“You shouldn’t have come.”

“You invited me.” Mr. Ansome said as Mary stuck out her tongue. “Real mature.”

“Do you want to settle this with skeeterball. I’ll kick your ass. I’m the best at everything.”

“That isn’t even what it is called.”

“You would say that. They changed it for me because my name for it is better.”

“I’ve had it with you and your terrible fashion sense that everyone loves and being the best at everything including naming things, magic, science, meaningless games, marrying the most popular male actors and inspiring run-on sentences.”

“If you close your eyes and wish, I’ll disappear.”

Mr. Ansome closed his eyes and opened them up. “You are still here.”

“Well, you suck at wishing.” Mary cracked a smile and threw a ball to the ground. Smoke billowed from it and filled the room. Mr. Ansome coughed and tried to wave the smoke out of his face. When it cleared, Mary stood before him in a slightly more glamorous skirt, pants, and bedazzled blouse.

“What was the poi-“

“Surprise, bitch.” Mary said. “I bet you thought you’d seen the last of me.”

“That’s it. You know what? I’m going to hold my fist here and I just want you to run straight into it.”

“If I do that your arm will rip off.”

“I’m pretty sure it won’t, come-on you know you want to.”

“You asked for it.”

In a flash and a blur Mary disappeared from her spot and ran her perfect face into his fist. Before he could twitch his fist collapsed into his arm and his bones popped through his elbow. His bicep erupted into a cloud of blood and tissue. Mr. Ansome collapsed to the floor trying to find the strength to scream. His blood squirted into the air like a fountain. He laid in shock trying to breath in an ever increasing pool of his own blood. He didn’t die but he probably deserved to.

Paramedics came and told Mary that she was perfect and couldn’t be hurt by anything. They saved Mr. Ansome and didn’t quite know why. He was arrested for assault, slander and attempted robbery. His son went to an orphanage and was much happier. Mary Sue was happy and successful forever and let the haters hate.


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