This is a Kiss

Reality buckles under the weight of your beauty. Though holding you makes the whole world lighter. There are things that you do to me that I cannot replicate. Someone asked me how love felt. I told them never the same way twice. You have made this statement the most true thing I have ever said. The world is far away and problems are never too urgent that we cannot wait them out and find a solution. Your kiss is the surface of your love. It goes deeper than I can comprehend. All I can explain is your kiss. It is there for me. It warms me. It brings the sun into focus. I was sleeping until I found you. Or, did you find me? We were found. The details slip. Were they ever there? Do they matter?

Tell me everything I need to know. I’m just fine leaving, knowing that we belong together and you will be here. We will always find each other. I will find you, right?

Where am now? Is this where I work. Everyone is looking at me? They don’t usually look at me. There’s Tom Grout. He has never talked to me. Once maybe, it was outside. A park with grass and a banner with the company logo. A picnic with tables and a scavenger hunt. The banner fell. It isn’t there today. It fell? Not until afterward. Tom was on the other side of the buffet table and almost asked for a roll. He didn’t speak just pointed. Pointed at me, staring. No. No, he is staring at me now.

Everyone is staring at me now. I was just thinking of you. When did we last kiss? There are short cubicles. They look shorter. Everyone is shorter. I, am I higher? I was only thinking of you. You and your kiss. When was that. I felt like it was just happening. Funny how you can think of something so hard that it breaks through your imagination. It is here on my cheek. I swear it is there.

Why aren’t you here? This is the office. There are logos. The logos aren’t important. They are blurry. I cannot even make out what they were. Are? Did they ever matter? I can see people’s faces. Tom has gone somewhere. Jenny is here. Her mouth is open. I think she is screaming. that is odd. She only screams at parties. There was the surprise party. You showed up at work with cake. I was thirty-two that day. What am I today? Am I today? That was the one time you came to this place. The one time I felt the absolute warmth, here. I wanted to kiss you. People made small talk but I just wanted your lips expressing your love. It is what I always want.

Jenny did here scream then. We sang that song. It is more of a chant, really. Jenny did here little scream at the end and your smile stiffened. Your eyes went wide and looked at Jenny. Then at me. I laughed. You never showed up to work again. It occurred to me that you had never really screamed like that.

You cried when I gave you a ring. You put it on your finger so fast. I thought it was always there. It must have been there when I met you. You were bussing a table and I think I forgot what I came to do. Did I forget then? I went there to meet you. I spoke to you and didn’t want you to go. I was no hassle and I gave you my phone number. I noticed the ring on your finger as you typed it into your phone. For a moment I thought that you only pretended to take my number. I thought about your hand hitting the keys. I thought about the ring on your other hand. The one I gave you when I proposed. It didn’t make sense how I just met you and you were already wearing your wedding band. It makes sense now. It made a little more sense a half an hour later, when you texted me with your name. I typed you a little poem.

Was it a half an hour or was it right after. When I think of it, it goes. Talk, type, worry slightly, looking at you on our wedding day, get a text, poem. It seems wrong but it is right. It feels right. It must be. We laughed. I like to laugh with you. Sometimes I cannot help but kiss you after you laugh. I like to imagine that my kiss is as good as yours. I like to lie to myself, you like to say. Then we laugh again and I kiss you. You screamed another place.

You screamed in the car. No, it wasn’t a scream. It was breathing. Heavy breathing like when. Oh, you don’t want like me to tell these stories. Not at work. Not until we are holding each other close. When we are so close and exhausted that I can talk about anything and you will listen. Listen and kiss me, while I stroke the nape of your neck. Close, hot and dark. I cannot see you but I know you are there.

Are you there? I’m talking to you. Are you here listening. I’m without you. I must be emailing you. Yes, email. From my desk. The desktop is blurry now. I have files and programs for work but I cannot read them. Except for the email icon. The email I use to talk to you while I am at work. I cannot email you now. Everyone is looking at me. I’d better get some work done. It just won’t come into focus. Like in the car. I rubbed my eyes until I could open them up to see you. Were you okay. They car was weird. It was upside-down. Were you okay? I wondered if you were okay. If we were okay. The car was wrong. Was it always wrong. Did we know that the care would be on it’s top when we bought it? We drove up to see Donny in that car. It made the trip to the next state upside-down. We met my granddaughter. Donny’s Baby girl. She grew big. She spent summers with us, one after another. She would kiss me, too. It didn’t feel like your kiss but it was wonderful. I’d like to imagine she inherited my kiss. You liked that idea. Then you kissed me.

I thought about her. Her and Donny and Donny’s girl after the crash. They flashed and I could see them all. I could see Donny on my lap on the first day we brought him home. Along with my granddaughter. They were both so tiny once. I held them until you took them away from me or they were able to wiggle free. The wiggled free to go to school and get married. I had to go to work away from you and them. They had to wiggle free because I didn’t want to let them go. Well, I must have let them go. I’m sure if I really wanted to they wouldn’t be able to escape. I’d let them anyway.

Once in awhile, I would hold them and you would kiss me. It was the best feeling in the world. It is the best feeling above the world. This feeling.

I found you.

Did you find me or did I find you?

Does it matter? We were found.

That is what I said. You came to work. Is it my thirty-second birthday?

No, I can do without going through that everyone was so stiff. I think they just wanted cake. And that woman, with that voice.

You looked at me and I laughed. I wanted to kiss you.

You looked at me and I wanted you to kiss me.

Are you kissing me now?

No, but I think this is what it feels like.

Yes. Yes, this is the feeling.

How long were you going to be here. How long have you been here.

At least three lifetimes. I see little parts of it. I keep thinking about you.

Why did you come here?

I. I was without you. When I am not with you I should go to work.

I’m sorry. It took me a bit longer than you.

We are together now. We are okay. You, I was wondering if you were okay. The car crashed. It was. It was upside-down. You were breathing hard. I wanted you to be okay.

People got me out. Then I saw everyone. There was Donny, Donny’s wife and our grand daughter. She drove from school. She is so beautiful. They said they missed you. I missed you too. They came and I said we loved them. Then, I found you.

Is it time to go?

Yes, we will go someplace new.

Do you know what I love about going someplace new with you? I get to remember them with you. Then I get to remember all the other places we went to when they were new.

Then I would kiss you.

This is what a kiss feels like.

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