There has to be a time when you are triggered in my mind. How can I think of you? A landmark. A word on the desk. The tone of the coffee maker or the noise of a can opener. The sip or a crack of my belt. There has to be hole that you left here that hasn’t found it’s form independent of your influence.
I think I know what it is. I don’t want it to be true. Loneliness. You lie in the narrow valley in my lobes. You are in the tail that sometimes catches up to me when I am not moving fast. When I take a moment to turn around you settle back into my mind with the doubts. With the fears or solitude and the cold grasp of time’s passing.
How long has it been? Years. There are brand new human lives. There are children that cannot remember the world when we were together.
I wished it to be something else. I wished it was a phrase or a speed limit sign. I didn’t want your last refuge to be that which makes me utterly weak to the whims of my needy brain.
In one way, I want to face my loneliness. It needs to be embraced because it will always be there. There will always be the potential to be alone, to feel squandered. There will always be walls that I erect around me to shut out the world and force introspection.
I don’t want to let you go. There are lessons that I learned. There are invaluable thoughts that I cling. There are names and faces imaginary but real in the twilight of your appearance in my light.
It will not come quickly but soon. When I am alone, it will be without you. I will not fear your loss. You will be in my journal and in my lessons. A teacher through absence. A friend through gritted teeth and forced hellos.
I once feared to lose you. What a futile thought.